Assertiveness

The ability to express your views, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully, even in the face of resistance. Assertiveness involves stating what you think and feel without aggression, standing up for your rights while honouring the rights of others, and engaging in direct, open, and honest communication. It requires self-respect, clarity of intention, and the courage to handle disagreement without retreating or escalating.

“Speak clearly, if you speak at all. Carve every word before you let it fall.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

Why assertiveness matters

Assertiveness matters because leaders must communicate expectations, boundaries, and decisions with clarity if they want teams to perform well. In fast-moving organisations, people rely on direct and timely messages to align work, resolve issues, and make progress without hesitation. Assertive leaders create stability by reducing ambiguity and ensuring that difficult topics are addressed early. This strengthens accountability, speeds up decision-making, and supports healthy working relationships across teams and functions.

Without assertiveness, misalignment grows, small issues escalate, and teams waste time interpreting unclear signals. Avoidance or overreaction can weaken trust, reduce psychological safety, and slow down the organisation’s ability to respond to change. Assertive communication helps leaders navigate pressure, manage competing demands, and remain composed in challenging situations. When leaders use their voice responsibly and consistently, they build credibility, reinforce confidence in their decision-making, and increase their impact across the organisation.

“You must never be fearful about what you are doing when it is right.” – Rosa Parks

What good and bad assertiveness looks like

What bad looks like	What good looks like
Avoids raising issues and allows problems to build because they hope tensions will ease on their own. Relies on hints or indirect comments that leave others guessing.	Addresses issues early with clear, direct messages. States concerns in a straightforward manner that helps others understand expectations and take timely action.
Softens requests so much that the real need is unclear. Uses vague language that creates confusion about what must happen and by when.	Communicates specific requests with clarity and purpose. Uses simple language that outlines what is needed, why it matters, and the expected timeframe.
Responds with excessive force when frustrated. Pushes too hard, raises tension, or dismisses other perspectives, which damages trust and psychological safety.	Holds firm positions without aggression. Balances clarity with respect and remains open to other views while keeping the conversation constructive.
Retreats when challenged and allows stronger voices to dominate. Avoids defending decisions or boundaries, even when this harms progress.	Stands their ground appropriately. Upholds decisions and boundaries while listening carefully and adjusting only when the reasoning is sound.
Lets emotions drive communication. Speaks abruptly when stressed or shuts down when anxious, which reduces their credibility and impact.	Regulates emotions and chooses words carefully. Maintains composure under pressure and models steady, thoughtful communication for the team.
Assumes negative intent and interprets disagreement as confrontation. Reacts defensively and moves quickly into justification or blame.	Treats disagreement as a normal part of collaboration. Seeks to understand the other person’s viewpoint and uses the discussion to refine thinking and decisions.
Fails to prepare for important conversations and improvises under pressure. Misses key points, becomes unclear, or adopts an unhelpful tone.	Prepares purposefully by clarifying messages, anticipating reactions, and planning how to stay calm. Enters conversations with confidence and focus.
Sets boundaries inconsistently. Says yes to avoid discomfort and later resents commitments, which undermines reliability and performance.	Communicates boundaries early and consistently. Declines requests respectfully when needed and honours commitments, building trust and clarity in working relationships.

“To speak plainly is to serve truth.” – Terry Tempest Williams,

Barriers to assertiveness

Fear of conflict: Many people avoid assertiveness because they fear confrontation or worry that speaking up will damage relationships. This leads to silence, delayed communication, or passive behaviour that creates long term problems.

Desire to be liked: When leaders prioritise popularity over clarity, they soften messages, avoid requests, or hesitate to set boundaries. This creates confusion and undermines respect.

Unclear personal needs or limits: If leaders lack clarity about their own priorities or boundaries, they struggle to advocate for themselves or communicate expectations to others.

Overcompensating through aggression: Some leaders move quickly from passivity to forcefulness, mistaking domination for assertiveness. This behaviour alienates others and reduces psychological safety.

Low confidence in communication: People who doubt their ability to express themselves succinctly or persuasively may avoid difficult conversations, assuming they will not be taken seriously.

Fear of repercussions: Worries about how others will respond, particularly authority figures or powerful stakeholders, can prevent leaders from using their voice when it matters most.

Difficulty managing strong emotions: Assertiveness requires calm expression. Leaders who struggle to regulate frustration, anger, or anxiety may withdraw or erupt rather than communicate thoughtfully.

Assumptions about how others will react: Often leaders imagine the worst possible outcomes. These stories prevent them from initiating conversations that might have gone well.

Cultural or organisational norms: Some environments implicitly reward compliance or discourage challenge, making assertive behaviour feel risky even when it would be constructive.

Lack of practice: Assertiveness is a skill strengthened through use. Without practice, even confident leaders may hesitate, overthink, or misjudge the tone needed.

“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” – Ronald Reagan

Enablers of assertiveness

Clarify your intention: Before speaking, identify the purpose of your message. Knowing what you want to communicate, request, or negotiate helps you deliver it with clarity and confidence. A centred intention reduces emotional noise.

Use clear and respectful language: Adopt simple language that states facts, feelings, and requests directly. Avoid hidden messages or apologetic framing. Articulate your point firmly without raising tension.

Hold boundaries reliably: Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable for you. Communicate these limits early, calmly, and consistently. Boundary keeping earns respect and prevents escalation.

Slow down your communication: Pause before responding in difficult conversations. Use calm pacing, measured tone, and open body language. Slowing the tempo helps you maintain control and reduces emotional spillover.

Adopt a stance of mutual respect: Assertiveness is not about winning. It is about dialogue. Treat the other person’s needs and feelings as legitimate, even when you disagree. This balance fosters trust and receptivity.

Practise small acts of assertiveness: Start with minor requests, corrections, or clarifications. These low stakes opportunities help you build strength and confidence for the moments that matter more.

Prepare for key conversations: Rehearse what you want to say, anticipate possible responses, and decide how you will maintain composure. Preparation provides grounding and reduces avoidance.

Name your emotions responsibly: If appropriate, calmly share how a situation impacts you. Stating your internal experience can reduce misunderstandings and create space for better collaboration.

Seek feedback from trusted colleagues: Invite observations on how your assertiveness comes across. Use this data to fine tune your tone, pace, and impact. Adjust, but do not erase your voice.

Strengthen your personal credibility: Assertiveness lands more effectively when others see you as thoughtful, fair, and reliable. Invest in consistent follow through and clarity of purpose so your words carry weight.

“It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.” – Madeleine Albright

Reflection questions on assertiveness

1. How comfortable are you expressing your needs or boundaries with colleagues? What holds you back, and what helps you speak up?

2. Think of a recent situation where you avoided saying something important. What stopped you, and what would an assertive response have sounded like?

3. When you communicate disagreement, how do you ensure that your message is both clear and respectful?

4. Reflect on a time you became more forceful than intended. What triggered this, and how might you regulate your emotions more effectively next time?

5. What assumptions do you make about how others will respond to your assertiveness? How accurate have these assumptions been historically?

6. How do you prepare for challenging conversations? What preparation steps help you stay composed and articulate?

7. Consider your professional boundaries. Which ones are clear, and which ones need refining or communicating more consistently?

8. How well do you balance advocating for yourself with showing respect for others? Where might this balance tilt too far one way or the other?

9. What opportunities could you create in daily interactions to practise small acts of assertiveness?

10. Who is a role model for healthy assertiveness in your environment? What specific behaviours do they show that you could try to emulate?

“Assertiveness is not about getting your way. It is about communicating what you want and need in a clear and respectful manner.” – Randy Paterson

Micro practices for assertiveness

1. Prepare by clarifying needs and alignment: Before a significant conversation, identify your critical needs, your nice to haves, and the sequence in which you will raise them. Consider the other person’s interests and likely position, then note where your priorities dovetail. This preparation strengthens clarity, reduces drift, and supports firm, balanced advocacy.

2. Use a neutral opener in tense moments: Begin challenging conversations with a calm, factual statement that frames the issue without blame. This reduces emotional charge and creates space for a balanced exchange. A neutral opener helps you stay grounded and promotes direct yet respectful dialogue.

3. Practise holding a boundary in small situations: Choose low risk moments to decline requests or reset expectations. These small acts build comfort with assertive behaviour and strengthen your ability to communicate limits clearly when stakes are higher. Each repetition develops steadiness and reduces the temptation to appease.

4. Ask for clarification before responding: When you feel challenged, pause and ask a short clarifying question to ensure you have understood the other person’s intention. This slows the interaction, prevents reactive assumptions, and positions you to state your own view with composure and precision.

5. Rehearse key phrases that anchor your tone: Prepare a small set of phrases that help you express disagreement or requests firmly and respectfully. Practise using them in everyday interactions so they become natural under stress. These anchors support consistency and help you remain confident in complex or high pressure settings.

“If you do not stand for something, you will fall for anything.” – Attributed to Alexander Hamilton

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