In our daily lives, we spend a lot of time trying to “sort things out” for people. We walk into conversations with a silent list of things we want to fix, change, or move forward. This focus on getting things done is useful, but it often creates a distance between us. When we approach someone as if we already have the answers, we aren’t really in a conversation; we are just executing a plan. To be a citizen is to occasionally put down the role of the fixer and simply be a witness to what is true for the person in front of us.

What matters most to this person right now?

Most of our talk is about the “how”, how to meet a deadline, how to improve the street, or how to get through the day. But “how” is often a distraction from “what.” When we ask someone, “What matters most to you right now?”, the conversation changes. It moves from the surface of the task to the underlying values that actually drive us as human beings.

The answer might have nothing to do with the problem at hand. It might be about a loss of confidence, a desire for connection, or a worry about the future. If we don’t know what matters to the person we are with, we are just moving pieces on a board. Real momentum happens when we find the overlap between what we are doing together and what someone actually cares about. You cannot build a community with someone if you are only interested in their utility; you have to be interested in their meaning.

What am I assuming instead of asking?

It is very easy to move through the day based on the stories we tell ourselves about others. We see a quiet neighbour and assume they are checked out. We see a colleague who is complaining and we assume they are just difficult. These assumptions aren’t usually intended to be unkind; they are just faster than actually finding out. They are a way of keeping our own worldview safe and undisturbed.

The trouble is that these assumptions act as a wall. We end up interacting with our own mental models rather than the human being across from us. Choosing to ask instead of assuming is an honest admission that we might be wrong. It is a way of saying, “I have a story about you in my head, but I’d rather hear yours.” When we stop deciding who people are, we finally make it safe for them to show up as they are. This is how we move from simply “dealing” with people to actually partnering with them.

Staying curious a little longer

A conversation based on genuine curiosity is where trust actually gets built. It isn’t about a deep “therapy session”; it is just the willingness to stay curious longer than is comfortable. It means asking a question and then resisting the urge to jump in with a solution, a judgment, or a story of your own.

This is how the social fabric is repaired, not through grand events, but through these quiet, one-to-one moments where someone feels seen without being managed. The future of our neighbourhoods and our organisations isn’t hidden in the plans we have already made. It is usually found in the things people are waiting for us to ask them. Citizenship is the persistent choice to value the person over the plan.

Questions for reflection

What is one thing I think I know about this person that I haven’t actually verified?

In my next conversation, can I wait five seconds longer than usual before offering my own opinion?

How does my desire to be “helpful” sometimes get in the way of me actually listening?

If the person I am talking to says something that doesn’t fit my agenda, can I stay curious about it anyway?

What would change if I walked into a conversation today with the goal of discovering one thing that truly matters to someone else?