It is a scene many leaders recognise. A colleague has been off more than usual. When they return, they drift through the day. They are in the meeting but not contributing, present in body but not in spirit. It is frustrating, unsettling, and contagious. You begin to worry about the impact on clients, deadlines, and the rest of the team who are quietly picking up the slack.

This is not just an HR puzzle. It is a test of leadership. Do we reach for policies and procedures, or do we take the harder path of understanding the person? Do we see absence only as lost time, or as a signal asking for attention?

In the UK, we have a solid HR framework that creates clarity. The Health and Safety at Work Act places a duty of care on employers, the Equality Act requires us to consider reasonable adjustments, and ACAS reminds us to act fairly and consistently. These are essential anchors. But compliance is not enough. Leadership begins where policy ends, in the space where we are called to respond as human beings to other human beings.

Seeing the person, not the problem

We are conditioned to notice patterns as problems. Absences accumulate on a spreadsheet, quietness is labelled disengagement, and missed deadlines are seen as poor performance. The reflex is to interpret the data and attach a label: “unreliable,” “unmotivated,” “a performance risk.” But every absence carries a story. The question is whether we are willing to look beyond the numbers and hear it.

Coaching story: I was once coaching a senior project manager who was deeply frustrated with a team member, let us call her Sophie. She had been absent multiple times over a short period, always with a doctor’s note. When she was present, her contribution was minimal. The project manager told me he felt backed into a corner: “I either start the absence process, or the team will lose faith in me.”

I asked him: “What would it mean to see Sophie as a person rather than an absence statistic?” He admitted he had only seen her through the lens of her attendance record, never as someone who might be struggling.

Through our coaching, he decided to approach Sophie in a different way. Instead of opening with “we need to talk about your attendance,” he said, “I have noticed you have been away more than usual, and when you are here you do not seem yourself. I want to understand what is happening for you.”

What emerged was that Sophie was trying to balance caring for her father with the demands of the project. She had not spoken up for fear of looking weak. With HR’s guidance, the manager explored flexible start times and referred the employee to occupational health. Sophie’s situation was not fixed overnight, but the shift in perspective gave her space to contribute again, and gave the manager renewed confidence that he was leading with both fairness and humanity.

Leadership in practice

 • Step away from the label: Instead of “poor attendance,” ask “what might this be telling me about the person?”

 • Create a safe space for honesty: Hold the first conversation somewhere informal to reduce defensiveness.

 • Balance impact with empathy: Acknowledge how absence affects the team while also showing you care about the individual’s circumstances.

Know your boundaries

Policies still matter. You should consider moving towards formal absence management if:

 • Short-term absences meet the trigger points set in your policy.

 • A fit note or disclosure suggests a condition that may amount to a disability under the Equality Act 2010.

 • Colleagues’ wellbeing or workload is being materially affected.

These are not reasons to avoid empathy. They are reasons to act with both care and consistency.

2. Beginning with a conversation

In workplaces, conversation is often treated as a formality, a prelude to the real work of recording, reviewing, or escalating. But real change rarely begins with paperwork; it begins with a conversation that matters. Too often, return-to-work meetings are reduced to quick compliance, signatures on forms, and tick-box questions. Yet the opportunity here is not bureaucratic. It is relational. It is a chance to restore trust, to signal that we see the human being, not just the pattern of absence or withdrawal. The courage to begin such a conversation marks the line between process management and leadership.

Coaching story: In another coaching session, a leader described a different challenge. A team member was never formally absent, but had switched off. They logged on, joined meetings, delivered the bare minimum, but their energy and commitment had drained away. “They are not breaking any rules,” the leader said, “but they are not really here either. It is like they have quit without leaving.”

We explored how the leader might name what they were observing without judgement. After a  few exploratory questions, they suggested framing it this way: “I notice you are present, but I sense you are holding back. I want to understand what is behind that.”

When the leader tried this, the team member admitted they no longer felt their work mattered. They were frustrated that their ideas were overlooked and felt there was no path forward for them in the organisation. By voicing this, the leader was able to talk honestly with them about career goals, re-engagement, and, if necessary, whether the role was still the right fit.

The power of this approach lay not in forcing more output, but in inviting honesty. Leaders often fear naming absence or disengagement, but avoiding the conversation only deepens the withdrawal.

Leadership in practice

Here are some starter questions leaders can use to determine whether someone is frequently absent or showing up disengaged:

 • How are you managing at the moment?

 • I have noticed you have been away more than usual or less engaged in meetings. What is going on for you?

 • What feels hardest for you right now?

 • When you are here, what helps you feel able to contribute?

 • What support at work would make the biggest difference?

 • Looking ahead, what would help you feel more connected to the work and the team?

 • What choices do you feel you have in this situation?

Know your boundaries

A supportive conversation does not mean avoiding structure. Keep in mind:

 • Always follow up with a brief note, so the support offered is recorded.

 • If personal issues are disclosed, signpost to appropriate resources such as EAP, HR, or occupational health.

 • If performance or absence continues to impact delivery, move into the appropriate absence or performance process.

 • Do not promise more than you can deliver. Boundaries protect both you and the individual.

Balancing compassion with responsibility

Compassion and accountability are often framed as opposites. Leaders fear that too much compassion will mean letting standards slip, while too much accountability will mean appearing cold or unfeeling. But what if these are not opposites at all? What if compassion without accountability becomes indulgence, and accountability without compassion becomes cruelty, but together, they form respect? The deeper challenge is not choosing one over the other, but learning to hold both in tension. When a team member is absent or disengaged, the leader’s work is to communicate: you matter, and so does the work.

Coaching story: In one coaching session, a senior manager shared their frustration about a colleague who had been absent frequently and, when present, was inconsistent in delivering work. The manager admitted: “I feel torn. On one hand, I know they are going through a tough time, and I want to support them. On the other, my team is stretched thin, and others are picking up the slack. If I am too soft, the team will resent me. If I am too hard, I will seem heartless.”

We explored what it might look like to acknowledge both realities at once, the human struggle and the professional standard. I suggested a simple way of framing the conversation: “I care about your wellbeing, and I also need you to know the impact your absence and performance is having on the team. Let us talk about how we can make this sustainable for both you and the project.”

When the manager tried this, they reported back that the shift was profound. The team member felt seen, not just as a problem to be managed, but as someone whose wellbeing mattered. At the same time, the boundaries were clear: the work had to get done, and responsibility had to be shared fairly.

Leadership in practice

 • Hold both truths at once: Show care for the person and clarity about the impact on others.

 • Use “and” rather than “but”: “I care about your wellbeing, and I need to see improvement” feels different from “I care about your wellbeing, but I need to see improvement.”

 • Bring the team into view: Remind the colleague that their presence and contribution are part of a shared commitment, not just individual performance.

Know your boundaries

Balancing compassion with responsibility means being consistent and transparent. Remember:

 • If absence or underperformance continues despite support, you may need to initiate a formal process.

 • Keep records of both the supportive steps taken and the expectations set. This protects both the individual and the organisation.

 • Do not sacrifice the wellbeing of the wider team by carrying an unresolved issue indefinitely. Compassion extends to all colleagues, not just the one struggling.

Looking beneath the surface

What we first see is rarely the whole truth. Absence and disengagement appear on the surface like warning lights on a dashboard. But warning lights do not tell us what is wrong, they tell us something needs attention. Too often, organisations react to the light itself, tightening policies, increasing monitoring, issuing warnings. But the deeper task is diagnostic. What lies beneath the pattern? Is it health, workload, culture, disengagement, or personal struggle? Without curiosity, we treat the symptom. With curiosity, we may uncover the real cause and find that in addressing it, we are also healing something in the wider system.

Coaching story: I was coaching a department head who described one of their longest-serving employees as “slipping away.” The person had not been formally absent but was missing deadlines, avoiding responsibility, and no longer contributing ideas. The manager had already told them several times to “step up,” but nothing had changed.

I asked: “What if what you are seeing is a symptom, not the cause?” The manager looked puzzled. We explored together: could it be workload, fatigue, conflict with a colleague, a loss of meaning, or even a health issue? I encouraged the leader to go into their next meeting not with a solution, but with curiosity.

The conversation that followed revealed something unexpected. The employee had been battling insomnia for months and had not told anyone. They were exhausted, and covering it up had drained them further. Once the leader understood this, they referred them to occupational health and adjusted their deadlines temporarily. Performance slowly improved, but more importantly, the employee felt safe enough to speak openly about what was happening.

Leadership in practice

 • Treat absence or disengagement as a signal, not a verdict: Ask “what might be behind this?” before deciding what it means.

 • Use open-ended questions to diagnose, not assume: “What is making this hard for you right now?” or “What do you think is at the root of this pattern?”

 • Be prepared for answers that go beyond work: Health, family, and personal wellbeing often sit underneath workplace behaviour.

Know your boundaries

Curiosity does not mean becoming a counsellor or solving everything yourself. Keep in mind:

 • If the root cause is medical or psychological, signpost to professional support such as HR, GP, or occupational health.

 • If it relates to workload or culture, own your part as a leader in shaping those conditions.

 • Do not ignore repeated patterns once causes are known — supportive adjustments must also be balanced with accountability.

Policies as protection, not punishment

Policies are often misunderstood. To employees, they can feel like instruments of control. To managers, they can feel like shields against the discomfort of difficult conversations. Yet the original purpose of HR policy, especially in absence and performance management, is protection. Protection for the individual, to ensure fairness and support. Protection for colleagues, to ensure workload is shared fairly. Protection for the organisation, to ensure consistency and compliance with the law. The invitation is to reclaim policy not as a stick to punish with, but as scaffolding that holds both humanity and fairness in place.

Leadership in practice

 • Frame policy as support, not threat: “This process is here to make sure you are treated fairly and consistently.”

 • Be transparent with the team: Policies protect everyone from the perception of favouritism.

 • Use HR as a partner: Draw on occupational health, EAP, and HR guidance to add expertise and credibility.

Know your boundaries

Policies must be applied consistently. Keep in mind:

 • If absence reaches trigger points, you are obliged to begin the process, regardless of personal sympathies.

 • Reasonable adjustments must be considered where disability is involved, under the Equality Act 2010.

 • Avoid “special deals” outside policy, which risk grievances from other staff and undermine organisational fairness.

The wider system question

It is tempting to locate the issue in the individual. They are the one absent. They are the one disengaged. But the reality of organisational life is systemic. Each person’s behaviour is also a mirror of the environment around them. If one team member is struggling, it is worth asking whether they are carrying something that belongs to all of us. Are we creating conditions for sustainable work, or for burnout? Do our cultures reward presence or output? Are people safe to speak honestly about their struggles? By looking systemically, we shift from blame to responsibility, and responsibility is the first step to change.

Coaching story: I once coached a leader who was frustrated that two of their team members had begun to withdraw, one with sporadic absences, another who was attending but disengaged. “I think they are both just coasting,” the leader said. “Maybe they have lost their motivation.”

Instead of focusing only on the individuals, I asked: “If two people in your team are showing this, what might that be telling you about the system they are part of?” The leader paused. We explored workload, resourcing, leadership style, and whether recognition was happening. It emerged that the team had been under relentless pressure after a restructuring, with deadlines constantly pulled forward and little space for recovery. The absences and disengagement were not isolated — they were signals of wider strain.

The leader took this insight back to their senior colleagues. They made the case for staggered deadlines and additional resourcing, and also began holding regular check-ins to ask the team not just about progress but about energy and wellbeing. Within months, the pattern shifted. Engagement rose, and absence reduced.

Leadership in practice

 • Look for patterns, not just individuals: If more than one person is showing signs of withdrawal, ask what the team context might be.

 • Widen the conversation: Ask “What in our culture or workload might be contributing to this?” in leadership meetings.

 • Balance personal support with systemic change: Supporting one person matters, but so does changing the conditions that led to the problem.

Know your boundaries

Not every issue is systemic. Keep in mind:

 • Some patterns are individual and do need to be managed through absence or performance processes.

 • However, repeated disengagement across multiple people often signals workload, leadership, or cultural issues that no amount of individual process will fix.

 • Leaders have a responsibility to raise systemic risks upwards — ignoring them can create legal and reputational issues if wellbeing is consistently undermined.

A reflection section for leaders

Reflection is the most underrated leadership act. In a world that prizes speed and action, to pause feels like indulgence. Yet without reflection, our actions are shallow. Reflection asks us to hold up a mirror — to ourselves, our teams, our policies, our culture — and to face what we see. The absence and disengagement of one person can be a gift, if we allow it to spark reflection. Not a gift we asked for, but one that calls us back to questions of fairness, care, and meaning. In the pause, we find new possibilities.

Leadership in practice

Reflection is not a luxury — it is a discipline. Try these practices:

 • Schedule reflection time: A 15-minute pause at the end of the week to ask, “What did I notice about my team’s energy and engagement this week?”

 • Hold a mirror with colleagues: Invite peers or mentors to share what they see in your leadership.

 • Ask your team directly: “What is one thing I could do differently to make this team healthier?”

Reflection prompts

For individual leaders:

 • Do I know the story behind my team member’s absence or disengagement, or only the surface behaviour?

 • How have my own behaviours or expectations shaped the conditions my team is experiencing?

 • Am I balancing compassion and accountability in equal measure, or leaning too far one way?

For leadership teams:

 • What patterns of absence or disengagement are we seeing across the organisation?

 • Do our policies invite trust, or do they breed fear?

 • Are we modelling sustainable performance, or unintentionally rewarding burnout?

Choosing how to respond

Every leader eventually arrives at a crossroads. Do we respond with control, or with connection? Control offers speed, certainty, and the comfort of procedure. Connection offers depth, learning, and the possibility of transformation, but it also requires courage and vulnerability. When a colleague is absent or disengaged, we can treat it as lost time, or as an invitation. The choice is not trivial. It shapes not only how that individual experiences their work, but how the wider team learns what leadership here really means.

Coaching story: In one coaching conversation, a leader confessed: “I feel pressure from senior management to clamp down, but in my gut I know I need to listen first. I do not want to be weak, but I do not want to be cruel either.”

We explored what it meant to choose a response that was both structured and human. Together, we sketched a simple path:

 1. Notice — Pay attention to patterns of absence or disengagement without rushing to judgement.

 2. Explore — Begin with a human conversation to understand what sits beneath the behaviour.

 3. Support — Offer reasonable adjustments, resources, or referrals as needed.

 4. Set expectations — Be clear about the standards of presence, contribution, and fairness owed to the whole team.

 5. Review — Follow up, revisit progress, and decide whether further support or formal process is required.

When the leader applied this, they found it gave them confidence. They were not choosing between compassion and accountability. They were choosing both, at different stages. Their colleague felt supported, the team saw fairness, and the leader felt they were acting with integrity.

Leadership in practice

 • Name the choice point: Ask yourself, “Am I reaching for control because it feels easier, or am I choosing connection because it will build trust?”

 • Hold the system in view: Balance what one person needs with what the team as a whole deserves.

 • Use a simple framework: Notice → Explore → Support → Set expectations → Review.

Know your boundaries

Responding with connection does not mean avoiding control. Remember:

 • If issues persist despite support, formal processes are both necessary and fair.

 • Compassion must extend to the wider team, not just the individual.

 • The leader’s responsibility is not to fix everything, but to create the conditions for fairness and accountability.

A confidence checklist for leaders

When facing absence or disengagement, ask yourself:

 • Have I taken time to see the person, not just the pattern?

 • Have I started with a real conversation, not a form?

 • Have I offered support and been clear about expectations?

 • Have I applied policies consistently and fairly?

 • Have I considered what this pattern says about our wider system and culture?

Closing

When someone is often absent or not really present, the easiest move is to reach for control. Policies. Warnings. HR letters.

The harder and braver move is to reach for connection. To see the person. To invite them into a conversation about what is really happening. To balance compassion with accountability.

Absence and disengagement are not just time lost. They are conversations waiting to happen.

The invitation is to step into those conversations with courage.

Thanks to Ioana Bora, a fellow European coach, friend and professional colleague, for suggesting this question in a recent conversation.

 

THIS article is not legal advice – Just my point of view!
Please reach out to your HR or Legal team if you have significant issue(s)